Why I hate the phrase “but you’re doing so well!”

Have you ever had someone say "but you're doing so well!" and felt let down? I’m going to explain why.

Said by someone who has acknowledged what you’re going through, it can mean something, but said as a reaction to you sharing you’re struggling, it can make you feel very unseen.

If you have someone in your life who says this, I have helpful alternatives at the end.

Remember, healing isn't a performance. You’re allowed to let the mask slip. You’re allowed to be exhausted by your own resilience. 🌿

🌿It Silences Your Reality

It takes immense courage to share that you feel like you're drowning in life. When someone responds with "But look how well you're swimming!" they are centering their observation over your experience.

You don't need to be reminded of how well you're swimming, you want someone to recognise how heavy the water is.

🌿The Survival Mask

You've spent years perfecting a mask of "having it together" just to stay safe. It makes you feel like you have to keep the mask on to be accepted.

Wearing that mask takes immense effort, you need safe spaces where you can take it off.

🌿It’s Gaslighting

When the world tells you you're thriving while you feel like you're falling apart, it creates an internal conflict. "Everyone thinks I'm fine, so I must be wrong about my own pain."

You’re not wrong. You are just carrying a weight that is invisible to the outside world.

🌿The Burden of Resilience

Being told you're "coping so well" places a burden on you to maintain that image. It robs you of the space to be hurt and messy and process.

Healing isn't about how together you appear to others. You shouldn't have to perform wellness to deserve support.

🌿You’re Allowed To Not Be Okay

You don't have to be a success story today. You don't have to maintain an okay exterior to be worthy of care.

I see the weight of what you're carrying, regardless of how well you seem to be moving.

🌿So what can be said instead?

* I can see how much effort it’s taking for you to keep everything moving right now.

* You don't have to have it together with me. I’m here for the messy parts, too.

* I believe you when you say you're struggling, even if it doesn't look like it from the outside.

* I hate that you're having to be this strong. How can I support the version of you that is exhausted?